Counseling for codependency is extremely valuable and can change unhealthy relationship dynamics, increase self-esteem and support us in being more authentic and true to ourselves. Codependency is used to describe a relationship where we neglect, ignore or sacrifice ourselves and our needs for someone else. The term originally developed from Al-Anon programs for family members of alcoholics, but it has evolved over time and can apply to all kinds of relationships. When I describe codependency to clients, I think of it as a “turning away from” or abandonment of your Self, and a focus on others or on a particular relationship. In my experience, if we have a pattern of being codependent, it tends to show up in multiple relationships and situations in our lives and not with just one person. I believe codependency typically develops in childhood when we have at least one parent or primary caregiver whom we felt responsible for in some way due to them having a mental health issue, an alcohol or drug addiction, or because they were codependent and we adopted this same way of being.

 

 

 

 

Codependency is on a spectrum and some of us have more characteristics and patterns than others. I see codependency showing up in many relationships and it can often be misinterpreted as someone just being “really nice” or just wanting to help and take care of others. What moves codependency into a more unhealthy way of relating is that we are unable to focus on our needs and desires out of ongoing feelings of guilt and fear of abandonment, rejection or not being “good enough” if we don’t focus on taking care of others or attending to their needs. There is often a compulsive energy to codependency where it feels as if we need to be focused on others or taking care of them in order to feel okay.

If you’re concerned you may be struggling with codependent patterns and relationships, some potential signs are:
 

• Low self-esteem or feeling a lack of self-worth without having to do or prove something for others

• Difficulty knowing how you feel or what you want

• Looking to others for validation and feeling worthy

• Ignoring your needs on a regular basis for others

• Chronic people-pleasing

• Difficulty setting boundaries or respecting other people’s boundaries

• Symptoms of anxiety or depression when you are not in a relationship or when you don’t have someone to “take care of”

• Constantly worrying about a particular person or people in your life

• Having all of your time, attention and interest focused on others

• Avoiding spending time alone or experiencing feelings of extreme loneliness, nervousness or sadness when alone

• Feeling you know what other people need and can “save” or take care of them

• Difficulty making decisions for yourself or needing other people’s approval to make a decision

• Minimizing, denying or pretending how you feel in order to protect or not upset someone

• Taking on the feelings or struggles of others as your own

• Pattern of relationships with emotionally unavailable or narcissistic people or those who are often in crisis

There are many other signs and patterns and no one sign will indicate you are codependent. If you struggle with having healthy relationships and identify with some of these traits, I would encourage you to seek counseling and to educate yourself about codependency.

When I work with someone with codependency, we will focus on understanding how it developed as well as teaching you how to begin identifying your needs and desires and begin setting boundaries in your life. Inner child or Parts work is often helpful to help clients develop a relationship to themselves and to know who they are and their value. Clients often feel tremendous guilt when they begin setting boundaries, being honest or saying “no,” and therapy is a place to process this and change the limiting and negative beliefs about what it means to have healthy, inter-dependent relationships rather than codependent ones.

If you feel you may be struggling with codependency, please reach out for a free 20-minute consultation